The Holidays..

Can't I just skip the whole month of December? More like wake me up when March gets here.. I'm not ready for Christmas.. I don't want to decorate, I don't want to do any of it.. My daughter should be growin fast and be the center of attention with the family, but she wont be here.. She will of course be my center of attention.. But no one will get to kiss her chubby cheeks and say how adorable she is and that's what kills me..

Then I have to stop.. Stop and think about Cadence.. She doesn't want me to be sad, she doesn't want me to  skip the holidays.. As hard as this is going to be its not going to be harder then any other day with out her.. what makes it hard is the fact she isn't physically here, but she is in my heart.. I seen something the other day and it said " DON'T BE SAD I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS" and that couldn't have made me any happier! She is with Jesus and that's a Christmas I could have never given her myself..

Kale and I decided that we will take her, her very own Christmas tree and decorate it for her.. And I know she will LOVE it!!

I find myself thinking about that song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" By: Justin Moore.. If I could just drive to see her my heart wouldn't be so crushed.. If I could just hold her one more time for five minutes longer, so I could tell her how much she means too me.. I hope she knows that.. I pray that the Lord tells her how much she changed my life.. How much her mommy and her daddy love her.. I can only pray she knows these things.. I love you so much my sweet perfect baby girl!

Comments that I hate...

1.) One comment I heard to another girl that had a baby around the same time I had Cadence, I over heard the conversation these two girls were having and one said to the other "Wow you look so good, you cant even tell you just had a baby." It was like I had a knife in my stomach, I wanted someone to tell me that stuff, not look at me in the corner of their eye and say oh shes the one that lost her baby? Or I'm so sorry for your loss.. I wanted to scream.. I don't know why that hurt me so bad..

2.) I hate hearing people complain about being pregnant.. You don't know what an amazing gift you have, so quit complaining.. I can honestly say I never complained not even when I was throwing up all day, or when I had no energy, or when I couldn't sleep.. I knew that my body had an amazing responsibility and I loved every minute of it!

I wanted so badly to be telling people how easy labor was, and that getting induced wasn't as bad as I heard it was.. I wanted to tell people all about my Daughter... But who would want to listen? My heart was falling apart more and more every day..

I hate it when people ask "When are you going to have another?" I have no answer to that question, so don't ask me.. The Lord will decided that.. My Daughter is all I need right now, I have the perfect family with her and Kale..

Or how about "your young" and "it just wasn't meant to be." Every time I  hear that I just would like to punch that person in the face..

March for Babies Walk

Wow, March of Dimes foundation is amazing! I love everything about this foundation, helping mother carry healthy babies full term.. When I heard about this the walk I told all my friends and family about it right away!  I was so ready to do this, to make a difference, somewhere in someone's life.. I was actually excited about doing something, and we would be doing the walk in Memory of my Beautiful Daughter Cadence! We signed up and two months before the walk and I set my fundraising goal at $1,500 because Cadence was born on the 15th.. We fund raised and got the word out there about March of Dimes.. The walk was a huge success, Team Cadence Dalton had the biggest team with 35 walkers in all! Very Exciting to see everyone in their Pink Shirts!

We raised a grand total of $5,446! Wow, I was shocked! I knew we exceeded our goal but that was just amazing! I would like to thank all of the people that Donated to us! You are all making a difference! We were all so happy that day and I know it was because My Daughter's Halo was shinning bright that day and she was smiling down on us!

This year’s top teams are:
Fry’s Food Stores #672 – Maricopa	$5,729
Kmart 9101 – Casa Grande	$5,537
Cadence Dalton	$5,446
Florence Hospital @ Anthem	$5,296
Fry’s Food Stores #48 – Casa Grande	$4,836
Fry’s Food Stores #669 – Casa Grande	$3,573
Casa Grande Regional Medical Center	$3,545
Wal-Mart DC #7013	$1,000
IzzyBizzy	$797
Scorpions for Babies	$738

Present time...

So we've come this far.. And the only way I have made it here today is with my Faith in God knowing that under all of this there is something amazing waiting for us.. I have some memories that I will hold on to forever..

My almost 3 year old cousin who is absolutely adorable talks to Cadence.. When I was still pregnant he lifted up my shirt and tried feeding Cadence a gummy bear through my belly button quickly stopped and said no thats nasty you eat it lol... Well long story short he his sisters and his mom were in the car one day with the window down, he stuck his hand out the window and said I caught baby Cadence and I will keep her in my can and she will be safe.. I sometimes wish that I could see what he see's so I could see my sweet baby girl one more time..

I also cant remember if I have mentioned Dixie! She is great! My Dad was so super excited about Cadence arriving he wanted her to come on his seven days off so he could have a whole week with her while he was off of work, so I told him no thats too early she will be come when the time is right! So we bet, if she was born on his seven days off I had to clean my parents house every Wednesday for a year and if Cadence came after his seven days off he had to buy her a mini Donkey! Well what do you know Cadence and mommy won! Cadence was born a day after his days off ended! A week after she was born my Dad found a mini Donkey for sale and we went and bought her! Cadence now has her Donkey and she's cute as ever! I love to see her because I know Cadence would have loved her so much and its like when we got Dixie we got a little piece of my heart filled back in.. And one more thing when we went to pick Dixie up it started to Thunder AGAIN!! So I knew that Cadence was happy! Letting us know once again She is OK!! and She is happy as can be!! <<isn't she just ADORABLE>>

August 18th Cadences funeral

The finally came, like there was no stop between my days it seemed like they were all jumbled into one. I had to wake up and get dressed for my daughters funeral.. Not exactly what I wanted to be doing..

The day before we went to the funeral home just so I could be prepared I guess. I felt like I had to go, I felt like I had to talk to the funeral director myself even though arrangements were already take care of. We got there and I walked into the building and we sat as a family with my in-laws and my parents going over the small details for the funeral. Mr. Terraza showed us the casket that Cadence's great grandfather had chosen for her, and it was beautiful. All I could did was cry when I seen it, just a little bigger then a shoe box and that's where my daughter would be laid to rest in. I wanted to see her once more when I was there but they said no that they were trying to keep her as perfect as they could for the funeral.

So Saturday rolled around and once again I was back at the funeral home trying to be as strong as I could. Trying to look strong, trying to hold it together. I got out of my truck and was surrounded by family and friends. I had no idea that many people had shown up, that had already loved Cadence. Kale and I were let in to be with Cadence for 30 minutes before the services started and I thought that would be enough time. But its never enough time when your only child, your first born, is gone and there wasn't anything I could do to change it.. The building was full of people and Mr. Terraza came in and asked if I was ready to close the casket or if I would like for him to let my friends and family in to see Cadence. And just the day before I didn't want anyone to see her, I didn't want anyone to look at my daughter. But at that moment looking at my daughter and how perfect she was, how beautiful she looked that day I knew I had to let my family and friends see her. They all came in and I didn't lever her side I kept talking to her, just like if she was there listing to me. Kale stood with me right next to Cadence, he was so strong and kept me together. I didnt look at anyone as they came up I just remember them all saying how beautiful she was and how beautiful her dress was. I didn't want to have to look people in the eye and let them see that I failed, until I heard a familiar voice a voice that was always so nice and funny, it was my 6th grade teacher. She just hugged me and I could feel the meaning in that hug. It was a hug that I needed more then I knew it at the time.

The services were lovely and it meant so much to me, Bishop Day did an amazing job. It also nice for Kale and I to have him do them because he married us last year in March.

Before I knew it we were in the limo with Cadence on one seat and Kale and I on the other, I looked at Kale and said I didn't want my first ride in a car with my daughter to be my last. We finally made it our family  cemetery Cadence's grave was blessed, it had been a rainy day, clouds everywhere, and when Bishop Day was blessing her grave it started to thunder. Like Cadence was saying I'm ok Mommy! So, once again friends and family came to hug us and pay respects. I once again didn't want to look at anyone, until Billy came and grabbed my face and told me he loved us and that he would be praying for my family. I felt his words were like a blanket on my heart, like each prayer was healing me slowly but surely..

When the day finally ended and I got home, it rained so hard, and I knew that it was Cadence again telling us she was ok! The day faded away and so did my family they were all gone, everyone was back to their lives while my life was slowly going down the drain.. I didnt want to be alone I wanted Kale with me all the time, and I wanted my parents where I could see them. I just felt like and still do feel like I have to see my family everyday! I have to know they are still here..

August 15th-16th

Labor was actually pretty easy.. I remember shortly after Cadence was born, my mom and mother in law ran over and took a million different pictures.. All I could do was pray, I held on to Kale and kept my eyes closed the entire time and talked to God like he was there in the room with me.. I wanted him to know how I felt, I wanted him to make Cadence cry and turn my bad day into a miracle! But nothing..

They weighed her and took her hand print and foot prints.. They brought her over to me shortly after that.. A part of me was scared to hold her, scared to see what she was going to look like.. I only got a quick look at her before the nurse took her away to give her a bath..

When she returned I just remember asking God why he had to take her so soon?! Why didn't I get to hear her Cry, or have her look into my eyes..I just remember thinking where did I go wrong?! I wanted to hold her and spend as much time with her as I could.. She was absolutely beautiful.. She looked so much like Kale and she had my Dad's perfect tiny little ears..

Kale and I had to make arrangements for a funeral before she was born, and after she was born we had to decided when they would take her.. The nurses told us we could only keep her for 24 hours.. The time was going faster and faster, and before we knew it, it was time for them to take her.. I cant remember lying her on the bed one more time to get a better look at her and see her whole body, thinking that it was amazing I grew her in my tummy, but at the same time I felt like I had failed her, I failed Kale, and the rest of my family.. I wrapped her back up in her pretty soft pink blanket and kissed her and said "Its not good-bye, it's just see you later."

I was released to come home that day, I was so scared I didn't know what I was supposed to do.. I had Cadence's car seat in the back seat with her blankets and her diaper bag in the truck I was supposed to go home in.. I remember that being the longest trip home I had every taken.. The hospital gave me a box to keep Cadence's things in and in the box there was a CD, I put that in and listened to it the entire way home.. I just kept praying, being mad at myself, wishing God would have taken me instead..

We finally made it home, and as hard as it was for me to be there I actually felt a little better, like I had made it that far. I came inside and who was there waiting for us? My dog Daisy all I could do was cry, so many times we would leave and I would tell Daisy "we'll be back in a little while were going to see sister at the doctors office" and I had come home with no new sister for Daisy to meet. She knew something was missing, cause she wasnt the same either. She got up on my lap and just looked at me with sad eyes and she licked my tears as I explained to her what happened. I was talking to Daisy like she was a person like she understood me, was I crazy? I dont think so I think it actually helped me a little more, Daisy knew and I think she really did understand.