Everyday

Not Every day is an easy one.. Today I opend my Facebook picture albums to look for a picture. Well I came across the pictures from Cadences Baby shower. Then came the water works. She was so loved already. Everyone was excited to meet her. Everyone wanted her just as much as Kale and I did.

All her gifts.. From the cake to the party favors.. To the actual gifts from all of our loved ones..

She had a beautiful cake that my grandma made for her. And the amazing party favors that we all worked so hard on.. Everything was perfect. She moved like crazy and yet I still felt like we shouldn't have been celebrating just yet. I felt like I was holding back. I didn't want to go outside to open gift and not because I wasn't grateful but more like because deep down I knew something was wrong. It was a hard day for me. I was happy by yet I was scared.

Today I sit here wondering what she would like.. Who she would be today.. The things she would love and the things she disliked.. I have an ache in my heart that will never go away.. That will never be filled.. I just want her back I want to squeeze her and cover her in my kisses.. I want to teach her right from wrong.. I want to laugh when she is being silly.. I want to complain about getting no sleep cause I've had a crying baby all night..

Seeing all those picture reminded me that everyone loves Cadence almost as much as I do.. Reminded me that I am blessed.. I do have everything in my life. I have a Daughter that lives in the most beautiful place.. I have a daughter that didn't have to say a word to change the world.. Though she was born still she was STILL BORN and I am STILL a Mother..

I love you Cadence.

Happy First Birthday Button

Wow.. A year? I can't believe I am a mother to a One Year Old.. The past year has been a roller coaster or emotions.. I can't say it's been the beat year.. And I can't tell you all about the achievements my Daughter has made. And I have no memories of her milestones..

But what I can tell you is that Kale and I have made it! We are here today still alive.. Don't get me wrong there were days when I wanted to throw in the towel when I wanted to yell at every irresponsible pregnant women I seen. But Kale was always there to remind me not to loose it.. To keep my pieces together..

Oh how I wish you were here today Cadence.. I can't picture you looking just like your Daddy.. Probably being just and silly and as happy as he is too.. I can picture the silly things you would be doing, and all the things you would be getting into,.  I hope that heaven is everything I imagine it being (only better).

I also would like my parents to know how much I appreciate everything they did to make Cadences memorial party possible. They made sure everything was above and beyond! The food was amazing, and her Cake was adorable perfect with her Lala loopsy dolls and her adorable birthday hat! And every small detail in between. Kales parents helped us so much! And everyone had a blast playing the new hit game Corn Hole (hate the name). We had an over all good day.

I love you so much Cadence Ellen!

The bundle project

So I follow a page on good Ol Facebook called the Star Legacy foundation. A organization that
Researches stillbirth.. Well I seen that they had this little things on their page advertising this amazing ladies product.. She makes bundles to the exact weight of your baby at birth.. so I had some made.. This lady is a huge blessing now I will never forget what it felt like to hold her in my arms.. so they are all done! I will be getting them in the mail soon! If you would like I put her blog info on the bottom you can read her story and how she got started.. 

CADENCE ELLEN DALTON, 5 LBS 10 OZ

http://emma-saperstein.blogspot.com/

Last picture

THIS WAS THE LAST PICTURE THAT I TOOK WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY BUTTON... THE VERY NEXT DAY MY WHOLE LIFE WAS FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN.. I MISS YOU BUTTON.. I WILL FOREVER CARRY YOU IN MY HEART... AND I WILL NEVER SAY GOODBYE... JUST SEE YOU LATER

Mothers Day?

Mothers Day?

It used to be the day I told my mom how much I loved her.. The day I told her how grateful I am for her.. Last Mothers day I was pregnant and Life couldn't get any better..

This year I am terrified.. I don't even want to go through that day.. I just wish I could skip over the entire day.. I don't know if I'm strong enough.. Last year on mothers day I thought well next year I will have a nine month old baby to hold in my arms and someone to celebrate being a mother with.. I will get the chance to be a great mommy like my Mom has been to me.. And in the blink of an eye, that was taken right out from under me.. My darling girl will be in heaven and my arms will be empty.. This hurts..

Most people don't even know that I am a mother.. Will people even tell me Happy Mothers day? Or the people that do know will they forget about my Daughter? Will they forget that I too am a mother.. But my situation is just a little different.. I am a mommy to an angle.. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this day.. Well I do.. I will just keep my head up and I will smile because My faith will get me through anything.. The Promise that God has made to me will help me keep it together.. I'm not saying it wont be hard but I know that with God's Love I can get through It..

I see all these commercials about "THIS MOTHERS DAY SALE" or "DON'T FORGET ABOUT MOM THIS MOTHERS DAY" I just want to turn off the TV or what ever its playing on.. It's just a reminder that my Button isn't in my arms..

But I guess I will hold onto Kale and Push through the day..

-Thanks-

TODAY AT CHURCH

So I really hope I don't cross the line by talking about what went on at church today... But Every time I go to church I always here someones amazing testimony. Or I hear how others have been blessed.. Its so amazing to hear about someone else's walk of faith..

Today we heard about one man that had lost his job which turned out to be a blessing in disguise.. He turned to the Lord and kept his faith.. Last Friday he got his job back.. That's the power of prayer..

We heard of another ladies granddaughter accepting Jesus into her life.. WOW.. She is four years old and already has so much faith..

One lady really touched my heart with her story.. She is a women in her 60's and is going to be adding a new baby into her life in 5 months.. The mother of the baby was going to have an abortion, and when this other women found out what was going on she contacted her and said I will take the baby.. Not realizing what she had just said at the time.. She kind of stopped and thought ugh can I really do this? She thought to herself and asked her Daughter and they both decided it was the right thing to do.. She is an amazing women with so much love in her heart.. No COINCIDENT THERE!! The Lord was speaking through her, he put those words in her mouth.. This women will forever be blessed.. (now don't quote me on this.. I could have some of the story mixed up)

SO today during praise and worship, I just bowed my head and started to cry.. I just started to pray.. Started to tell God how scared I am... Just asking him to help me with my fears and heal my heart.. Asking God to help me know when or if I will be ready to try this again.? Asking God just to give me answers that I need.. Asking God just to help me.. Just to tell me what I'm supposed to do..

Well after our service ended we were about to walk out and this man stopped my mom and I and said I would like to talk to you if I can.. So we said sure.. He said Cynthia I just wanted to tell you that during church today I was praying for you.. And Cynthia God told me that It's going to be ok.. You don't have to be scared.. God is going to bless you again.. He is going to replace what was taken from you.. .

I just broke down I just started to cry.. I was so grateful for those words.. I mean how did he know what I had just been praying about a few minutes earlier? What other explanation would make since? Because I'm pretty sure he isn't a mind reader.. Just when I thought my prayers were being heard.. I was reminded soon after.. God might not be giving me the answers but he put it in that mans heart to tell me.. He used another man to get the message to me.. He is a true man of GOD.. I will forever hang onto those words that he told me today..

God is working out the details of my life.. I just have to wait.. They will all come out soon..

Thanks for reading :) Have a Blessed Day!

Finally an update!!

I have so much to tell you all!!! I have been so busy lately, with the new job I haven't had time to write!!
Last month (April 15th) Cadence turned 8 months old! wow can you believe its been 8 months already? How did we make it this far? I ask myself that everyday.. It's been a crazy few months but we have grown so much stronger..

So I have a story to share.. I just cant wait!! I have to tell this one first!! I have so share!!

Ok, so this is yet another famous Karsen story..

The other day Karsen was at my parents house getting ready to go to Safford and visit some family. Well my Great Grandma Velma was going to be there and Karsen had never met her. So..... My mom was explaining to him who Grandma Velma was. helping his little three year old mind put the pieces together..

My Mom: Grandma Velma is papa Johnnys mom. Do you think Papa Johnny is old, Karsen?

Karsen: YES!

My Mom: Well that means Grandma Velma is even older.

While Karsen is trying to process things he is spinning his COWBOY ROPE is circles.. Finally he responds..

Karsen: Well you know what I'm going to do to her then?

While all these thing are running through my moms head she's thinking "what is this crazy kid going to say."

My Mom: What are you going to do Karsen?

Karsen's Response:  I'm going to ROPE her up to HEAVEN.. And then I'M GOING TO ROPE "BABY CADENCE" BY HER FEET AND PULL HER DOWN, cause I wanna play with her...

My mom couldn't say anything.. A speechless moment for sure.. This kid melts my heart every time!! You never what he's going to say.. But he always finds a way to remind us all how close BABY CADENCE really is!

*BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD" MATTHEW 5:8

There I go again.

A I'm trying to stay busy today my thoughts start pouring in. And my heart begins to break all over again.

I'm thinking about my family today. I'm think inking about the phone call couldn't make. Thinking about how that amazing nurse made the phone call I couldn't get myself to day.  How did she do it? How did she call my parents and tell them the most devastating news in the world?

How did my parents tell the rest of the family? Why couldn't it the call they received have been good one?

Wow, this thought of every single person in my family hearing this heart break makes me sorry for them. Your probably thinking, why is she sad for them? I'm sad for them because this is their loss as well. They were also broken that day, because they too loved Cadence so so much!

I hate the thought of knowing they were hurt. I hate the fact that I can't change it. I miss my daughter everyday. I see things and say "I would have bought that for her" or "she would be rolling over by now." But now I'm left with a grieving heart, empty arms, and a room full of thing everyone bought for her that she will never get to use.

That's all I can do for today. I hope each of you have a blessed day. Enjoy your children and other loved ones while you have them.

5 months

Happy 5 month birthday my sweet girl! I can't believe that you are already 5 months old. Seems like yesterday that I was pregnant.. Seems like yesterday I got the news you went back to heaven.. I remember saying that I didn't know how I was supposed to go on, I told my nurse that there was no way I could come home, alone, without my daughter. But we did come home and up were with us, with Jesus holding us close. We have made it this far. I know I can keep going. But I'd give anything to hold you in my arms today, I wish you were still here.

But what did you teach me? What did you save us from? You were so amazing and your just a baby. You have been busy up there with Jesus helping me through each and everyday.

You have done so much for me.
1. You have strengthened my faith in The Lord.
2. You have constantly remind me how you are still here
3. You brought our family even closer together.
4. You have shown me how faith Gods word is.

I am so grateful for having such an amazing daughter! I love you so much Cadence.

Ever Since..

My mom is so special in my life! She is always there reminding me that Cadence is here and that we will have our "Rain Bow Baby" one day..

She found a doctor who has devoted his career to do research on "Stillborn Babies." This man in my opinion is amazing.. He has a practice in LA and works with his wife and brother who are also Doctors. So I have read a little about him, and he seems to be asking the same question I have been. "Why is "Still Birth" not being taken more seriously? Why don't you hear about this? Why is it pushed under the rug? There are 26,000 babies that are Stillborn in the U.S. each year, meaning about 71 per day.. That mean 26,000 parents have to go home with an answer just like Kale and I, its "Unknown" why this happened.. I pray that this tragedy can be stopped one day..

Ever since my Mom told me about Dr. Collins I haven't been able to stop thinking about him! I feel like he could really help me.. Maybe the Lord lead my mom to finding him and this is his way of giving me answers? I don't know! I just know I would love to meet him! If he could just explain something a little more or maybe give me some hope.. I think that would be a tremendous help to me in my healing process..

If you are interested in this Doctor I will include his web site link for you to look at! This is something I think everyone should know about and I will continue to spread the word until the day I die.. Because my Daughter deserves to be known about.. I will shout it from mountain tops that I have a Daughter and I am proud of her I am proud that she is sitting with Jesus!

-Check in soon! I will have more to talk about <3 WE LOVE YOU CADENCE ELLEN!!


http://www.starlegacyfoundation.org/index.php

No New Years resolution.

2013 is just another year.. I will accept whatever The Lord has in store for me.. So no New Years resolution for me! But I do have goals for this year..

My Goals for the Year:
1. Get Cadences head stone.
2. Finish our back yard
3. Get Cadences stuff in storage
4. Get more answers about MTHFR
5. Help someone find faith again or for the first time.

Those are just my top! I have way more lol but we will be here for days if I listed all of them. I would also like to strengthen my Faith!

I seen our pictures today

The entire time I was pregnant I took pictures weekly. I wanted them to be something that Cadence would look at and say "wow my mom loved me from the first day she found out about me" I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy.. Cadence filled every dream I ever had and she made my heart grow bigger for her and her daddy.

I also kept a journal.. I was always writing.. That was something else I wanted to remember.. I wanted to remember every detail and every little thing I knew I would forget with time, so I made sure I wouldn't forget anything special..

Today I came across some pictures. I miss feeling her. I miss knowing she was safe in my tummy. I miss texting the family appointment updates.

I was so scared the entire time I was pregnant that something was going to happen. I was always waiting for the worst thing to come our way. At My last non-stress test I had a nurse that I hadn't ever had before. And she was good, but not my favorite one. She was talking to me and was telling me how good of a doctor I had and she was asking if he was the one who found I have MTHFR and I said yes, she said ya he's really good about dong everything he can for women and even when something like a stillbirth happens he does all the testing he can to give the parents answers. Well that night I went to my parents house and told my mom about what she had said. I remember sitting in the living room thinking should I google signs that I would have a still born child? And I told myself no!! Cadence is healthy, i mean we were just there, and she was perfect. Little did I know about 16 hours later I would be in the hospital again and to receive the news every parent dreads. Was that a sign? Was that nurse trying to tell me something?

With a few scares we had through my pregnancy i remember one time crying in bed, praying and telling God to let my child be strong and healthy because I wouldn't be able to live without her. I wouldn't be able to go on in my life with out her. And now I think that this was maybe Gods way of saying "Cynthia, I am in control.. I will show you that you will make it through this and I will take care of you."

Somedays it's easy for me to go on and smile and talk about Cadence.. Other days its hard and I want to hide from everything. I have found that the days it's hardest is when Kale is gone. He holds my life together, he holds me and puts up with me he is quick to forgive all my mistakes. And love me unconditionally.

Cadence I hope you know how much you mean to me and what I'd I've just to kiss your perfect face again.