So I'm typing away sitting in my living room and look up at Cadence's bedroom door.. The room I haven't stepped foot in for over a year.. The room that I keep the door closed all the time like it doesn't exist.. This is still part of my grieving process..
I'm not ready to go in there.. That room is full of HER things.. A complete NURSERY ready for a baby to come home too.. This is the battle I face every day.. I wake up that closed door everyday, knowing how full it is but yet so empty.. I have come so far, I have done so much, but that is something I cant do yet..
The thought of seeing that room so full of all her gifts and beautiful things that she never got to use is like another piece of my heart shredding apart.. I just can't look at it.. That crib sitting there full of the set I just had to have for her..
This is still something that I have to come to on my own.. No one can make me do it.. No one can tell me I can do it because I'm so strong.. Because I'm not ready to do it.. When the day comes that I decide to go in there and clean it out will be the day I go in there alone.. I don't think I want help doing it I think I want to be alone.. So that I can cry and I can take as long as I need to.. I don't plan on getting rid of a single item in there.. I will keep it until the day I die.. Its hers.. This wont make sense to anyone that hasn't lost a child.. It might not even make sense to those who have lost children.. But its what I feel is the right thing to do..
So yes I might have just said that I have come a long way in my last post but there is still so much that I have to face on my own time.. Still so much that I have to learn.. I believe that the day will come when I can go in there and smile while looking at everything but its not today and it might not be tomorrow.. But I think when that day comes I will wake up and know I'm ready..
So thanks for letting me VENT.. Its nice to get it out and not have to see the shock on someones face when I try telling them.. OR even have to hear what someone else has to say about it... The day will come I just have to take it one day at a time and wait until I KNOW I'M STRONG ENOUGH NOT WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME I'M STRONG ENOUGH..
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Lets Review 2013
So I have been terrible at keeping up!! No excuse just lazy I guess.. I've been telling myself I need to blog I need to write but I haven't done it.. I really love to blog its a good release! So here we go....
A lot has been going on in the Dalton's life.. All good I guess no bad news and 2013 was fairly good to us..
Beginning of the year was pretty good.. I thought I wanted to be a working woman so I got a job.. That went good for about 6 months and then I had to get out of there before I lost my mind! So I quit in August and it was like my life got so much better! It was really hard for me to decide if quitting was going to be the best thing for me.. So the Sunday before I quit I was sitting in church just listing what the lesson was on that day and then it was clear.. I was offended by what someone at work was doing and I needed to get out before I did something I would regret later.. So Monday morning I went in and I quit..
Cadence had her first Birthday, and boy did we celebrate! The day was full of family, friends, and awesome food. Everyone seemed to have a great time and now they are all expecting the same birthday bash for her Second Birthday! Its gonna be hard to top that one but I think we will pull it off..
September/October were busy months for us.. WE fundraised our booties off for the March for Babies walk! Let me just add that this community is pretty amazing! Coming together and donating to help me try to make a difference! Team Cadence was the Top Fundraising Team, Top Family Team, And the Largest Walking team TWO YEARS IN A ROW!!! WE couldn't have done it without all of your help!
November/December: Thanksgiving was great! December flew by.. Actually it seems like this whole year flew by.. Although 2013 taught me a lot about myself.. I learned that I don't like to be part of the crowd.. I'd rather stand on my own two feet.. I've seen that my Daughter is ALIVE.. she lives on in my heart and so many others.. I also don't cry as often as I used too.. Some of you might be thinking "shes not sad about her daughter anymore if shes not crying," NOPE YOUR WRONG! I am still grieving Cadence.. But I have just seen the other side of it.. Cadence is in HEAVEN! Shes living the life of a TRUE PRINCESS.. I know that one day I will hold her in my arms again and she will tell me what a great LIFE she has LIVED! She will probably tell me stories about her being in every second of my life that I didn't even know she was in..
I just want everyone to know that I am a proud MOMMY!! I am an ANXIOUS MOMMY!! I cant wait to see what 2014 has for KALE and ME! I can't Wait to see what CADENCE has to show us!!
Happy New Year Everyone!!! :)
A lot has been going on in the Dalton's life.. All good I guess no bad news and 2013 was fairly good to us..
Beginning of the year was pretty good.. I thought I wanted to be a working woman so I got a job.. That went good for about 6 months and then I had to get out of there before I lost my mind! So I quit in August and it was like my life got so much better! It was really hard for me to decide if quitting was going to be the best thing for me.. So the Sunday before I quit I was sitting in church just listing what the lesson was on that day and then it was clear.. I was offended by what someone at work was doing and I needed to get out before I did something I would regret later.. So Monday morning I went in and I quit..
Cadence had her first Birthday, and boy did we celebrate! The day was full of family, friends, and awesome food. Everyone seemed to have a great time and now they are all expecting the same birthday bash for her Second Birthday! Its gonna be hard to top that one but I think we will pull it off..
September/October were busy months for us.. WE fundraised our booties off for the March for Babies walk! Let me just add that this community is pretty amazing! Coming together and donating to help me try to make a difference! Team Cadence was the Top Fundraising Team, Top Family Team, And the Largest Walking team TWO YEARS IN A ROW!!! WE couldn't have done it without all of your help!
November/December: Thanksgiving was great! December flew by.. Actually it seems like this whole year flew by.. Although 2013 taught me a lot about myself.. I learned that I don't like to be part of the crowd.. I'd rather stand on my own two feet.. I've seen that my Daughter is ALIVE.. she lives on in my heart and so many others.. I also don't cry as often as I used too.. Some of you might be thinking "shes not sad about her daughter anymore if shes not crying," NOPE YOUR WRONG! I am still grieving Cadence.. But I have just seen the other side of it.. Cadence is in HEAVEN! Shes living the life of a TRUE PRINCESS.. I know that one day I will hold her in my arms again and she will tell me what a great LIFE she has LIVED! She will probably tell me stories about her being in every second of my life that I didn't even know she was in..
I just want everyone to know that I am a proud MOMMY!! I am an ANXIOUS MOMMY!! I cant wait to see what 2014 has for KALE and ME! I can't Wait to see what CADENCE has to show us!!
Happy New Year Everyone!!! :)