I seen our pictures today

The entire time I was pregnant I took pictures weekly. I wanted them to be something that Cadence would look at and say "wow my mom loved me from the first day she found out about me" I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy.. Cadence filled every dream I ever had and she made my heart grow bigger for her and her daddy.

I also kept a journal.. I was always writing.. That was something else I wanted to remember.. I wanted to remember every detail and every little thing I knew I would forget with time, so I made sure I wouldn't forget anything special..

Today I came across some pictures. I miss feeling her. I miss knowing she was safe in my tummy. I miss texting the family appointment updates.

I was so scared the entire time I was pregnant that something was going to happen. I was always waiting for the worst thing to come our way. At My last non-stress test I had a nurse that I hadn't ever had before. And she was good, but not my favorite one. She was talking to me and was telling me how good of a doctor I had and she was asking if he was the one who found I have MTHFR and I said yes, she said ya he's really good about dong everything he can for women and even when something like a stillbirth happens he does all the testing he can to give the parents answers. Well that night I went to my parents house and told my mom about what she had said. I remember sitting in the living room thinking should I google signs that I would have a still born child? And I told myself no!! Cadence is healthy, i mean we were just there, and she was perfect. Little did I know about 16 hours later I would be in the hospital again and to receive the news every parent dreads. Was that a sign? Was that nurse trying to tell me something?

With a few scares we had through my pregnancy i remember one time crying in bed, praying and telling God to let my child be strong and healthy because I wouldn't be able to live without her. I wouldn't be able to go on in my life with out her. And now I think that this was maybe Gods way of saying "Cynthia, I am in control.. I will show you that you will make it through this and I will take care of you."

Somedays it's easy for me to go on and smile and talk about Cadence.. Other days its hard and I want to hide from everything. I have found that the days it's hardest is when Kale is gone. He holds my life together, he holds me and puts up with me he is quick to forgive all my mistakes. And love me unconditionally.

Cadence I hope you know how much you mean to me and what I'd I've just to kiss your perfect face again.