As I sit here thinking

So I'm typing away sitting in my living room and look up at Cadence's bedroom door.. The room I haven't stepped foot in for over a year.. The room that I keep the door closed all the time like it doesn't exist.. This is still part of my grieving process..

I'm not ready to go in there.. That room is full of HER things.. A complete NURSERY ready for a baby to come home too.. This is the battle I face every day.. I wake up that closed door everyday, knowing how full it is but yet so empty.. I have come so far, I have done so much, but that is something I cant do yet..

The thought of seeing that room so full of all her gifts and beautiful things that she never got to use is like another piece of my heart shredding apart.. I just can't look at it.. That crib sitting there full of the set I just had to have for her..

This is still something that I have to come to on my own.. No one can make me do it.. No one can tell me I can do it because I'm so strong.. Because I'm not ready to do it.. When the day comes that I decide to go in there and clean it out will be the day I go in there alone.. I don't think I want help doing it I think I want to be alone.. So that I can cry and I can take as long as I need to.. I don't plan on getting rid of a single item in there.. I will keep it until the day I die.. Its hers.. This wont make sense to anyone that hasn't lost a child.. It might not even make sense to those who have lost children.. But its what I feel is the right thing to do..

So yes I might have just said that I have come a long way in my last post but there is still so much that I have to face on my own time.. Still so much that I have to learn.. I believe that the day will come when I can go in there and smile while looking at everything but its not today and it might not be tomorrow.. But I think when that day comes I will wake up and know I'm ready..

So thanks for letting me VENT.. Its nice to get it out and not have to see the shock on someones face when I try telling them.. OR even have to hear what someone else has to say about it... The day will come I just have to take it one day at a time and wait until I KNOW I'M STRONG ENOUGH NOT WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME I'M STRONG ENOUGH..