August 15th-16th

Labor was actually pretty easy.. I remember shortly after Cadence was born, my mom and mother in law ran over and took a million different pictures.. All I could do was pray, I held on to Kale and kept my eyes closed the entire time and talked to God like he was there in the room with me.. I wanted him to know how I felt, I wanted him to make Cadence cry and turn my bad day into a miracle! But nothing..

They weighed her and took her hand print and foot prints.. They brought her over to me shortly after that.. A part of me was scared to hold her, scared to see what she was going to look like.. I only got a quick look at her before the nurse took her away to give her a bath..

When she returned I just remember asking God why he had to take her so soon?! Why didn't I get to hear her Cry, or have her look into my eyes..I just remember thinking where did I go wrong?! I wanted to hold her and spend as much time with her as I could.. She was absolutely beautiful.. She looked so much like Kale and she had my Dad's perfect tiny little ears..

Kale and I had to make arrangements for a funeral before she was born, and after she was born we had to decided when they would take her.. The nurses told us we could only keep her for 24 hours.. The time was going faster and faster, and before we knew it, it was time for them to take her.. I cant remember lying her on the bed one more time to get a better look at her and see her whole body, thinking that it was amazing I grew her in my tummy, but at the same time I felt like I had failed her, I failed Kale, and the rest of my family.. I wrapped her back up in her pretty soft pink blanket and kissed her and said "Its not good-bye, it's just see you later."

I was released to come home that day, I was so scared I didn't know what I was supposed to do.. I had Cadence's car seat in the back seat with her blankets and her diaper bag in the truck I was supposed to go home in.. I remember that being the longest trip home I had every taken.. The hospital gave me a box to keep Cadence's things in and in the box there was a CD, I put that in and listened to it the entire way home.. I just kept praying, being mad at myself, wishing God would have taken me instead..

We finally made it home, and as hard as it was for me to be there I actually felt a little better, like I had made it that far. I came inside and who was there waiting for us? My dog Daisy all I could do was cry, so many times we would leave and I would tell Daisy "we'll be back in a little while were going to see sister at the doctors office" and I had come home with no new sister for Daisy to meet. She knew something was missing, cause she wasnt the same either. She got up on my lap and just looked at me with sad eyes and she licked my tears as I explained to her what happened. I was talking to Daisy like she was a person like she understood me, was I crazy? I dont think so I think it actually helped me a little more, Daisy knew and I think she really did understand.