There I go again.

A I'm trying to stay busy today my thoughts start pouring in. And my heart begins to break all over again.

I'm thinking about my family today. I'm think inking about the phone call couldn't make. Thinking about how that amazing nurse made the phone call I couldn't get myself to day.  How did she do it? How did she call my parents and tell them the most devastating news in the world?

How did my parents tell the rest of the family? Why couldn't it the call they received have been good one?

Wow, this thought of every single person in my family hearing this heart break makes me sorry for them. Your probably thinking, why is she sad for them? I'm sad for them because this is their loss as well. They were also broken that day, because they too loved Cadence so so much!

I hate the thought of knowing they were hurt. I hate the fact that I can't change it. I miss my daughter everyday. I see things and say "I would have bought that for her" or "she would be rolling over by now." But now I'm left with a grieving heart, empty arms, and a room full of thing everyone bought for her that she will never get to use.

That's all I can do for today. I hope each of you have a blessed day. Enjoy your children and other loved ones while you have them.

5 months

Happy 5 month birthday my sweet girl! I can't believe that you are already 5 months old. Seems like yesterday that I was pregnant.. Seems like yesterday I got the news you went back to heaven.. I remember saying that I didn't know how I was supposed to go on, I told my nurse that there was no way I could come home, alone, without my daughter. But we did come home and up were with us, with Jesus holding us close. We have made it this far. I know I can keep going. But I'd give anything to hold you in my arms today, I wish you were still here.

But what did you teach me? What did you save us from? You were so amazing and your just a baby. You have been busy up there with Jesus helping me through each and everyday.

You have done so much for me.
1. You have strengthened my faith in The Lord.
2. You have constantly remind me how you are still here
3. You brought our family even closer together.
4. You have shown me how faith Gods word is.

I am so grateful for having such an amazing daughter! I love you so much Cadence.

Ever Since..

My mom is so special in my life! She is always there reminding me that Cadence is here and that we will have our "Rain Bow Baby" one day..

She found a doctor who has devoted his career to do research on "Stillborn Babies." This man in my opinion is amazing.. He has a practice in LA and works with his wife and brother who are also Doctors. So I have read a little about him, and he seems to be asking the same question I have been. "Why is "Still Birth" not being taken more seriously? Why don't you hear about this? Why is it pushed under the rug? There are 26,000 babies that are Stillborn in the U.S. each year, meaning about 71 per day.. That mean 26,000 parents have to go home with an answer just like Kale and I, its "Unknown" why this happened.. I pray that this tragedy can be stopped one day..

Ever since my Mom told me about Dr. Collins I haven't been able to stop thinking about him! I feel like he could really help me.. Maybe the Lord lead my mom to finding him and this is his way of giving me answers? I don't know! I just know I would love to meet him! If he could just explain something a little more or maybe give me some hope.. I think that would be a tremendous help to me in my healing process..

If you are interested in this Doctor I will include his web site link for you to look at! This is something I think everyone should know about and I will continue to spread the word until the day I die.. Because my Daughter deserves to be known about.. I will shout it from mountain tops that I have a Daughter and I am proud of her I am proud that she is sitting with Jesus!

-Check in soon! I will have more to talk about <3 WE LOVE YOU CADENCE ELLEN!!


http://www.starlegacyfoundation.org/index.php

No New Years resolution.

2013 is just another year.. I will accept whatever The Lord has in store for me.. So no New Years resolution for me! But I do have goals for this year..

My Goals for the Year:
1. Get Cadences head stone.
2. Finish our back yard
3. Get Cadences stuff in storage
4. Get more answers about MTHFR
5. Help someone find faith again or for the first time.

Those are just my top! I have way more lol but we will be here for days if I listed all of them. I would also like to strengthen my Faith!

I seen our pictures today

The entire time I was pregnant I took pictures weekly. I wanted them to be something that Cadence would look at and say "wow my mom loved me from the first day she found out about me" I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy.. Cadence filled every dream I ever had and she made my heart grow bigger for her and her daddy.

I also kept a journal.. I was always writing.. That was something else I wanted to remember.. I wanted to remember every detail and every little thing I knew I would forget with time, so I made sure I wouldn't forget anything special..

Today I came across some pictures. I miss feeling her. I miss knowing she was safe in my tummy. I miss texting the family appointment updates.

I was so scared the entire time I was pregnant that something was going to happen. I was always waiting for the worst thing to come our way. At My last non-stress test I had a nurse that I hadn't ever had before. And she was good, but not my favorite one. She was talking to me and was telling me how good of a doctor I had and she was asking if he was the one who found I have MTHFR and I said yes, she said ya he's really good about dong everything he can for women and even when something like a stillbirth happens he does all the testing he can to give the parents answers. Well that night I went to my parents house and told my mom about what she had said. I remember sitting in the living room thinking should I google signs that I would have a still born child? And I told myself no!! Cadence is healthy, i mean we were just there, and she was perfect. Little did I know about 16 hours later I would be in the hospital again and to receive the news every parent dreads. Was that a sign? Was that nurse trying to tell me something?

With a few scares we had through my pregnancy i remember one time crying in bed, praying and telling God to let my child be strong and healthy because I wouldn't be able to live without her. I wouldn't be able to go on in my life with out her. And now I think that this was maybe Gods way of saying "Cynthia, I am in control.. I will show you that you will make it through this and I will take care of you."

Somedays it's easy for me to go on and smile and talk about Cadence.. Other days its hard and I want to hide from everything. I have found that the days it's hardest is when Kale is gone. He holds my life together, he holds me and puts up with me he is quick to forgive all my mistakes. And love me unconditionally.

Cadence I hope you know how much you mean to me and what I'd I've just to kiss your perfect face again.