Just so everyone can understand

Hello friends!
I just want to make sure we are all on the same page and that everyone understand why we have asked that everyone waits to visit.

Devin was born at 36 weeks 1 day gestation age. That means he wasn't quite full term, yes he may look like a full term baby but he isn't, he is considered to be a late term preemie. We were in the NICU for twelve days due to respitory issues. Now unless you've had a child in the NICU you have no idea how scary it is in there.

Devin was flown to Tucson approximately 11 hours after he was born. He was just needing a little more help then Safford could provide. He had what they called respitory distress. He was grunting when he would take a breath and was working way too hard to keep his oxygen up. Once he got to Tucson he was doing great until about 4 am Thursday morning when he desat. One of the pockets in his lung blew out, this was only allowing his lung to partially open with each breath. He was given medicine called Surfactant, and then he had a chest tube inserted. That tube was put in to drain out all the air that had been escaping, the tube was in for two days. During this time we were not allowed to hold him and were only allowed to touch him during cares. Each day that passed after that just got better. But We were terrified the entire time and we never left him alone.

Before we were released we were given strict rules from his NICU doctor. I hope by me sharing a few with you it helps you all understand a little better.
1. No children visitors
2. Anyone that visitis has to wash with soap up to their elbows and wash their faces.
3. No visitors that have been sick in the last 5 days
4. Smokers must change their shirts before coming into contact with him
5. No going anywhere for atleast two months including church, stores, and other families houses.
6. Doctors appointments are mandatory
*These are just a few of the rules we were given.
This is RSV season and since Devin had respitory issues it will be so much easier for him to get sick again. We would appreciate that all of our friends and family respect our wishes of no visitors until the time is right. I don't want to see my son back in the NICU ever again it drained us emotionally.

I know everyone is excited and ready to meet him but my main concern is to keep him heathy! We appreciate all the love, support, and prayers! 💙

Tuesday September 2, 2014

Monday seemed to be the longest day ever,  I kept looking at the clocking thinking the day couldn't possibly go by any slower. By the time night came I couldnt go to sleep, I felt like a 5 year old waiting for Santa. My mind was racing because I had no idea what to expect, in just a few short hours I would be having major surgery to meet someone I've loved for nine months. 

Tuesday finally arrived and I woke up at 6am to get ready for our big day! I had my hair and makeup done all before 7am because there was no way I was going to look ugly when I was in the operating room. After this the times seemed be fly by and the next thing I knew I was walking to the operating room. 

As I walked into the operating room I remember thinking "holy cow it's so bright and so cold in here." I instantly started to shiver because well hello I had nothing but a hospital gown on (haha). I had I sit on this little table so they could start my spinal block. As I'm sitting there waiting for the lady to start it I kept telling myself quit shaking, if You don't quit shaking she's gonna miss and I'll be paralyzed. So I sat there with my eyes closed and I prayed. 

Then the anesthesiologist said "ok you should start to feel your legs going numb," and boom that quick I couldn't feel my legs. Once my legs were numb the rest of my body quickly followed and I couldn't feel Devin kicking anymore either and that scared me until the man anesthesiologist told me my belly was moving like crazy. Finally, they let Kale come In and I was so happy to have him with me and as soon as he sat down time really flew. I remember being told your incision was just made and seconds after the anesthesiologist told Kale if you want to see your son be born stand up now and then all I could hear was the most beautiful cry in the world. I cried like a baby. I was so happy I couldn't stop crying. My son was finally here! The moment I had been waiting for what seemed like forever was finally here. It only took two minutes from the time I was cut open to have Devin out and in the nursery. The longest part was when they were putting me back together and shortly after I was taken into my room to recover. 

My little man was born at 9:00 am weighing 5 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. And I was finally able to hold him a couple hours after he was born. 

Thank you Jesus!

If you havent stopped and just looked over your life and said thank you do that right now. We all have so much to be grateful for.. I don't know your situation right now, you could be in a rough spot where you feel like you've hit a dead end, or things could be absolutely perfect.. I've been in both places trust me.. But I've grown so much over the last two years, I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on but I've also been given pieces of it back over time.

The Lord has his hand on you, you have no idea how he is working in your life. Blessings are being poured out to you each day that you open your eyes. There's a verse in one of my favorite songs that says "gods got his hand on you so don't live life in fear, forgive and forget but dont forget why you're  here, take your time and pray,"  wherever you are in life close your eyes and just say thank you.
I'm very grateful for everything The Lord has given to Kale and me. We have been very fortunate to have such an amazing family and supportive group of friends.

Reservation for Dalton

Thursday I was admitted into Labor and Delivery for the remander of my pregnancy. Everything is going great and our little guy is strong and healthy! We are about half way through our stay and I couldn't be happier to be here.

I was starting to have so much anxiety and I wasn't sleeping at all when I was at home. Since I've been here I've actually been able to sleep and I'm not so nervous. I was overwhelmed with my fears that were starting to kick in. Which I know its normal to be worried especially as September approaches but I was getting to the point where I would just break down and panic about Devin.  I couldn't keep doing that to myself, to Devin or to Kale. It makes it even easier when everyone here knows our situation and they are all so nice! 

Speaking about Kale have I mentioned how great he is? I have no idea what I did to deserve such an amazing Husband but there is no way I could do this without him.
And I just want to thank all of our family and friends you guys have all helped us so much!

Wrong turn?

This road we've been on hasn't been the easiest. Two years ago I was looking behind us and saying where did we take the wrong turn?
I couldn't understand what the heck was going on in my life. It was like the turn we took lead us right into a brick wall that just crumbled on top of us and we couldn't get out.
Now I realize why it felt that way. That's what happens when you try to be in control. I was trying to drive my life in the direction I wanted and I kept trying to take the wheel and do what I wanted. That's where I made the wrong turn.
I realize now that I can't be the driver. I can only be the passenger and tell The Lord take me where he wants me to be. I will follow his will and his way and stop following my own.
So often I let my anxiety and fear attack my faith and that's just me allowing the devil into my mind and heart. Fear isn't holy and the devil feeds off the fear I allow myself to have. I'm so anxious to get Devin here that my kind turns in so many directions. Sometimes my thoughts don't stop and all it want to do is sleep to escape my mind.
So Thank God for kale because he is constantly reminding me to pray. To keep my faith and trust in God.
I'm truly thankful to have an amazing husband. He has no idea how much he means to me. Without him I would be a mess.

We did it.

We went in there and got more done then I though we would. We went through all of her clothes and that was the hardest part. She was so loved and my family and friends bought her beautiful clothes.
I've decided that there are things I can give away and things that I can sell. There was also a lot of stuff we can use got Devin. We are all set on diapers and the wipes are actually still wet! So we are set for a whole. We do have a bouncer and a little toy I like to call the "meat slicer" and a fisher price napper thing.
He will even get to wear some of the camo clothes his sister had and little vans shoes and Oakland raiders booties that uncle Derrick bought.
I just don't know what to do with the car seat, bouncer, playpen, and high chair. It's all matching and in perfect condition.  That's something I'm gonna have to put more thought I to because I don't know if I should sell or give away or should I just keep it and see what the future brings? I don't know and I'm not in a hurry to figure it out. I  will know soon enough what the right thing to do is.
It's sitting right in my heart and now that we are done I know we have done what's right! So I'm sitting here writing this and what do you know the thunder started. And if you remember from other posts she likes to talk to is through thunder and the rain. So I think she's happy too..

Thanks for reading! Have a great day my friends.

I think it's time.

I think it's time.

It's time for me to make the step I have feared for almost two years. It's time for me to open the door and go in.
Cadences room has been a no enter zone for me. I haven't been in there or touched her things in almost two years. My biggest struggle is what do I keep and what do I give away better yet who do I give it too? Are they going to feel strange if I offer things to them? I don't want people to feel like they can't say no. But on the other hand I don't know if I want anyone to have her things.
There's a huge part of my heart that feels like if her things are in there it's ready for her to come home. Which to most people this is a crazy thought. But that's how I feel. It's like that's the only place I can freeze time.
It's going to be bitter sweet because I'll be boxing up her things to make room for Devins things. But I know in my heart that Cadence would want her baby Bubby to have her room to use the things she didn't need.

My first appointment.

Man was I a nervous wreck! I didn't want to be attached yet. I've been through the hardest tests in my life that I just thought if I guarded my heart I would be better off. I remember walking to the door and telling kale if I could just get through today without crying like a baby I'll be good. He just smiled and squeezed my hand tighter. I checked in and headed back to the bathroom, on my way back there I seen the same girl that would check me in every time with Cadence. She had a bit of a surprised expression to see me.. "Cynthia Dalton" I heard her call out my name and it sent shivers down my spine. Here we go it's time there's no going back there's no leaving. So with Kale by my side we walked in the rooms. I sat there with shaking hands and a racing heart. Waiting for the doctor to walk in felt like eternity. I did good up until I saw his face he came in and with the most encouraging manor he said I'm glad to see you two back. Here come the tears.. I cried like a baby.. During the ultrasound I remember thinking I wanted to cover my eyes and ears. I didn't want to hear or see anything yet. My emotions were a mess and then all I could hear was the sound of a heathy heart! Racing along and then I really lost it. With so much to be grateful for my heart overfilled with joy. And there it went this baby stole my heart. Walking out that day my life changed I remember thinking "I'm having a baby" I couldn't even find words to say except, thank you Jesus!

February 2014

The time had come for me to tell my parents. I was a nervous wreck! We were getting ready to open then reaturant and I had plans to help do everything. And now im pregnant. I thought they were going to be upset. So on the way home from cleaning a house one day I told my mom "hey mom can I tell you something without giving you a heart attack?" And she said yes, what? I said well I took three pregnancy tests and they all said positive so that means I'm pregnant.. By that last word im bawling like a baby and my mom laughs and said why are you crying? That's great news and I'm so happy. Well I couldn't get the nerve to tell my dad so I went home to get daisy and kale to go back to their house for dinner and my mom had already spilled the beans and told my brother and my dad.. To see the look on my dads face was priceless he just laughed gave me a hard time of course and even though he didn't say it I knew he was so happy! I hadn't told anyone except Kale, my parents, and his parents when one day Karson asks me when is Baby Cadence going to come out of your tummy? My heart stopped as I looked at him and said you know where baby Cadence lives silly. And he laughed while looking up at her picture in my truck and said oh ya, in heaven! Then he quickly said well then when is the new baby going to come out of your tummy? I looked at him and said I don't know what you're talking about Karson. He said yes you do your tummy is getting fat cause there is a baby in there. I told him no my tummy isn't getting fat and if it looked fat that's because there's food in there. He said no it's not my tummy has food in it and I'm not fat your fat because there is a tiny baby in your tummy. This still blows my mind because no one knew!! No one had been talking about it and at that time I was only like 5 weeks along so I wasn't showing at all. I honestly think Cadence told him. After all they are best buds from what he tells me.

Let me take you back to January 2014

Well hello again blog! Boy and I happy to be posting again with so much to fill you all in on I hope you are as excited as me! As we welcomed a new year I had big plans for 2014. I was ready to go places to make 2014 my year to shine! I was going to have a summer filled with fun trips planned. That was all until I got a gut feeling I was pregnant. As that thought was taking over my mind I kept telling myself no way I'm not pregnant. Well the days went on and the thought of being pregnant was taking over.. I finally told Kale what my mind was coming up with and he laughs and said well maybe you are. Few more days go by and I decided I couldn't wait I had to know. So I bought some pregnancy tests and took two of them (remember this was about a week early that I took them) well believe it or not they both came up positive. When I seen those two pink lines on both sticks I was actually numb at first. I didn't want to get excited. So I told myself that they could have been wrong and I would do another test if needed by the end of the month. Well that thought didn't last long cause the day I was late I knew I was pregnant. Needless to say I still took another test and this time those two lines were the brightest lines I had ever laid eyes on. So I of course cried like a baby. With so much running through my head I didn't know what to do or how to feel. The funny thing about this that I haven't told anyone, about a month or two earlier I remember getting ready one morning listing to praise and worship on my phone I just hit my knees and started to pray. I don't remember the entire prayer but I do remember this like it were written on the back of my hand "Lord don't let me be afraid, I need you now in my life, I need your guidence on what to do.. I'm torn lord, I want more children I want to have a child to hold in my arms to raise on earth and to teach them about you.. But Lord I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to make that decision on my own. Lord I ask that when kale and I are both ready you will bless is with a child. Amen. Little did I know my prayer would be answered God already knew what my heart wanted he just needed me to meet him there and finally come to him n say it's yours Lord take my reins and lead me. My hope for you today is that you remember even though you aren't seeing results right away to your prayers, don't give up on them!

As I sit here thinking

So I'm typing away sitting in my living room and look up at Cadence's bedroom door.. The room I haven't stepped foot in for over a year.. The room that I keep the door closed all the time like it doesn't exist.. This is still part of my grieving process..

I'm not ready to go in there.. That room is full of HER things.. A complete NURSERY ready for a baby to come home too.. This is the battle I face every day.. I wake up that closed door everyday, knowing how full it is but yet so empty.. I have come so far, I have done so much, but that is something I cant do yet..

The thought of seeing that room so full of all her gifts and beautiful things that she never got to use is like another piece of my heart shredding apart.. I just can't look at it.. That crib sitting there full of the set I just had to have for her..

This is still something that I have to come to on my own.. No one can make me do it.. No one can tell me I can do it because I'm so strong.. Because I'm not ready to do it.. When the day comes that I decide to go in there and clean it out will be the day I go in there alone.. I don't think I want help doing it I think I want to be alone.. So that I can cry and I can take as long as I need to.. I don't plan on getting rid of a single item in there.. I will keep it until the day I die.. Its hers.. This wont make sense to anyone that hasn't lost a child.. It might not even make sense to those who have lost children.. But its what I feel is the right thing to do..

So yes I might have just said that I have come a long way in my last post but there is still so much that I have to face on my own time.. Still so much that I have to learn.. I believe that the day will come when I can go in there and smile while looking at everything but its not today and it might not be tomorrow.. But I think when that day comes I will wake up and know I'm ready..

So thanks for letting me VENT.. Its nice to get it out and not have to see the shock on someones face when I try telling them.. OR even have to hear what someone else has to say about it... The day will come I just have to take it one day at a time and wait until I KNOW I'M STRONG ENOUGH NOT WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME I'M STRONG ENOUGH..

Lets Review 2013

So I have been terrible at keeping up!! No excuse just lazy I guess.. I've been telling myself I need to blog I need to write but I haven't done it.. I really love to blog its a good release! So here we go....

A lot has been going on in the Dalton's life.. All good I guess no bad news and 2013 was fairly good to us..

Beginning of the year was pretty good.. I thought I wanted to be a working woman so I got a job.. That went good for about 6 months and then I had to get out of there before I lost my mind! So I quit in August and it was like my life got so much better! It was really hard for me to decide if quitting was going to be the best thing for me.. So the Sunday before I quit I was sitting in church just listing what the lesson was on that day and then it was clear.. I was offended by what someone at work was doing and I needed to get out before I did something I would regret later.. So Monday morning I went in and I quit..

Cadence had her first Birthday, and boy did we celebrate! The day was full of family, friends, and awesome food. Everyone seemed to have a great time and now they are all expecting the same birthday bash for her Second Birthday! Its gonna be hard to top that one but I think we will pull it off..

September/October were busy months for us.. WE fundraised our booties off for the March for Babies walk! Let me just add that this community is pretty amazing! Coming together and donating to help me try to make a difference! Team Cadence was the Top Fundraising Team, Top Family Team, And the Largest Walking team TWO YEARS IN A ROW!!! WE couldn't have done it without all of your help!

November/December: Thanksgiving was great! December flew by.. Actually it seems like this whole year flew by.. Although 2013 taught me a lot about myself.. I learned that I don't like to be part of the crowd.. I'd rather stand on my own two feet.. I've seen that my Daughter is ALIVE.. she lives on in my heart and so many others.. I also don't cry as often as I used too..  Some of you might be thinking "shes not sad about her daughter anymore if shes not crying," NOPE YOUR WRONG! I am still grieving Cadence.. But I have just seen the other side of it.. Cadence is in HEAVEN! Shes living the life of a TRUE PRINCESS.. I know that one day I will hold her in my arms again and she will tell me what a great LIFE she has LIVED! She will probably tell me stories about her being in every second of my life that I didn't even know she was in..

I just want everyone to know that I am a proud MOMMY!! I am an ANXIOUS MOMMY!! I cant wait to see what 2014 has for KALE and ME! I can't Wait to see what CADENCE has to show us!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!! :)