Another year gone

Another year has passed and it still hurts like yesterday. 

Hard to believe that Cadence would be four years old tomorrow.  At four she would have started preschool, she would be learning to write her name, to count, and say her abc's. She would be full of sass and absolutely beautiful, I'm sure.

Instead of watching her blossom into a big girl I'm stuck wondering who she would be today. I can't picture her any other way other than the day she was born, a sweet tiny baby girl with curly brown hair. 

Tomorrow is her 4 year angel-versary, and instead of celebrating a birthday, we will mourn our daughter.

Today I still feel like I failed, I failed my first job as a mom. I carry so much blame and guilt for the things I did and didn't do. It makes me angry at myself. I know I shouldn't be and I know this was all part of Gods plan for us but I'm still hurt, and I'm still angry. 

I'm angry because we should be a family of  four on earth, not a family of three here with a daughter in heaven. Now I'm stuck wondering if I'll ever be strong enough to give Devin a sibling he can grow up with. Most days I say no, because I'm scared. I'm scared of not knowing what to expect. 

Today has already been a rough day for me, and watching Devin play just brings tears to my eyes because he should be playing with his sissy. I know they would have adored each other and fought just like Derrick and I did but that's the joy of having a sibling. 

Here's to another year, time doesn't heal your wounds, its just a band aide over them.  And every August the band aide gets ripped off and my wounds are still there just like they were the very first day.

We love you baby girl, watch over your bubby.  

Just so everyone can understand

Hello friends!
I just want to make sure we are all on the same page and that everyone understand why we have asked that everyone waits to visit.

Devin was born at 36 weeks 1 day gestation age. That means he wasn't quite full term, yes he may look like a full term baby but he isn't, he is considered to be a late term preemie. We were in the NICU for twelve days due to respitory issues. Now unless you've had a child in the NICU you have no idea how scary it is in there.

Devin was flown to Tucson approximately 11 hours after he was born. He was just needing a little more help then Safford could provide. He had what they called respitory distress. He was grunting when he would take a breath and was working way too hard to keep his oxygen up. Once he got to Tucson he was doing great until about 4 am Thursday morning when he desat. One of the pockets in his lung blew out, this was only allowing his lung to partially open with each breath. He was given medicine called Surfactant, and then he had a chest tube inserted. That tube was put in to drain out all the air that had been escaping, the tube was in for two days. During this time we were not allowed to hold him and were only allowed to touch him during cares. Each day that passed after that just got better. But We were terrified the entire time and we never left him alone.

Before we were released we were given strict rules from his NICU doctor. I hope by me sharing a few with you it helps you all understand a little better.
1. No children visitors
2. Anyone that visitis has to wash with soap up to their elbows and wash their faces.
3. No visitors that have been sick in the last 5 days
4. Smokers must change their shirts before coming into contact with him
5. No going anywhere for atleast two months including church, stores, and other families houses.
6. Doctors appointments are mandatory
*These are just a few of the rules we were given.
This is RSV season and since Devin had respitory issues it will be so much easier for him to get sick again. We would appreciate that all of our friends and family respect our wishes of no visitors until the time is right. I don't want to see my son back in the NICU ever again it drained us emotionally.

I know everyone is excited and ready to meet him but my main concern is to keep him heathy! We appreciate all the love, support, and prayers! 💙

Tuesday September 2, 2014

Monday seemed to be the longest day ever,  I kept looking at the clocking thinking the day couldn't possibly go by any slower. By the time night came I couldnt go to sleep, I felt like a 5 year old waiting for Santa. My mind was racing because I had no idea what to expect, in just a few short hours I would be having major surgery to meet someone I've loved for nine months. 

Tuesday finally arrived and I woke up at 6am to get ready for our big day! I had my hair and makeup done all before 7am because there was no way I was going to look ugly when I was in the operating room. After this the times seemed be fly by and the next thing I knew I was walking to the operating room. 

As I walked into the operating room I remember thinking "holy cow it's so bright and so cold in here." I instantly started to shiver because well hello I had nothing but a hospital gown on (haha). I had I sit on this little table so they could start my spinal block. As I'm sitting there waiting for the lady to start it I kept telling myself quit shaking, if You don't quit shaking she's gonna miss and I'll be paralyzed. So I sat there with my eyes closed and I prayed. 

Then the anesthesiologist said "ok you should start to feel your legs going numb," and boom that quick I couldn't feel my legs. Once my legs were numb the rest of my body quickly followed and I couldn't feel Devin kicking anymore either and that scared me until the man anesthesiologist told me my belly was moving like crazy. Finally, they let Kale come In and I was so happy to have him with me and as soon as he sat down time really flew. I remember being told your incision was just made and seconds after the anesthesiologist told Kale if you want to see your son be born stand up now and then all I could hear was the most beautiful cry in the world. I cried like a baby. I was so happy I couldn't stop crying. My son was finally here! The moment I had been waiting for what seemed like forever was finally here. It only took two minutes from the time I was cut open to have Devin out and in the nursery. The longest part was when they were putting me back together and shortly after I was taken into my room to recover. 

My little man was born at 9:00 am weighing 5 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. And I was finally able to hold him a couple hours after he was born. 

Thank you Jesus!

If you havent stopped and just looked over your life and said thank you do that right now. We all have so much to be grateful for.. I don't know your situation right now, you could be in a rough spot where you feel like you've hit a dead end, or things could be absolutely perfect.. I've been in both places trust me.. But I've grown so much over the last two years, I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on but I've also been given pieces of it back over time.

The Lord has his hand on you, you have no idea how he is working in your life. Blessings are being poured out to you each day that you open your eyes. There's a verse in one of my favorite songs that says "gods got his hand on you so don't live life in fear, forgive and forget but dont forget why you're  here, take your time and pray,"  wherever you are in life close your eyes and just say thank you.
I'm very grateful for everything The Lord has given to Kale and me. We have been very fortunate to have such an amazing family and supportive group of friends.

Reservation for Dalton

Thursday I was admitted into Labor and Delivery for the remander of my pregnancy. Everything is going great and our little guy is strong and healthy! We are about half way through our stay and I couldn't be happier to be here.

I was starting to have so much anxiety and I wasn't sleeping at all when I was at home. Since I've been here I've actually been able to sleep and I'm not so nervous. I was overwhelmed with my fears that were starting to kick in. Which I know its normal to be worried especially as September approaches but I was getting to the point where I would just break down and panic about Devin.  I couldn't keep doing that to myself, to Devin or to Kale. It makes it even easier when everyone here knows our situation and they are all so nice! 

Speaking about Kale have I mentioned how great he is? I have no idea what I did to deserve such an amazing Husband but there is no way I could do this without him.
And I just want to thank all of our family and friends you guys have all helped us so much!

Wrong turn?

This road we've been on hasn't been the easiest. Two years ago I was looking behind us and saying where did we take the wrong turn?
I couldn't understand what the heck was going on in my life. It was like the turn we took lead us right into a brick wall that just crumbled on top of us and we couldn't get out.
Now I realize why it felt that way. That's what happens when you try to be in control. I was trying to drive my life in the direction I wanted and I kept trying to take the wheel and do what I wanted. That's where I made the wrong turn.
I realize now that I can't be the driver. I can only be the passenger and tell The Lord take me where he wants me to be. I will follow his will and his way and stop following my own.
So often I let my anxiety and fear attack my faith and that's just me allowing the devil into my mind and heart. Fear isn't holy and the devil feeds off the fear I allow myself to have. I'm so anxious to get Devin here that my kind turns in so many directions. Sometimes my thoughts don't stop and all it want to do is sleep to escape my mind.
So Thank God for kale because he is constantly reminding me to pray. To keep my faith and trust in God.
I'm truly thankful to have an amazing husband. He has no idea how much he means to me. Without him I would be a mess.

We did it.

We went in there and got more done then I though we would. We went through all of her clothes and that was the hardest part. She was so loved and my family and friends bought her beautiful clothes.
I've decided that there are things I can give away and things that I can sell. There was also a lot of stuff we can use got Devin. We are all set on diapers and the wipes are actually still wet! So we are set for a whole. We do have a bouncer and a little toy I like to call the "meat slicer" and a fisher price napper thing.
He will even get to wear some of the camo clothes his sister had and little vans shoes and Oakland raiders booties that uncle Derrick bought.
I just don't know what to do with the car seat, bouncer, playpen, and high chair. It's all matching and in perfect condition.  That's something I'm gonna have to put more thought I to because I don't know if I should sell or give away or should I just keep it and see what the future brings? I don't know and I'm not in a hurry to figure it out. I  will know soon enough what the right thing to do is.
It's sitting right in my heart and now that we are done I know we have done what's right! So I'm sitting here writing this and what do you know the thunder started. And if you remember from other posts she likes to talk to is through thunder and the rain. So I think she's happy too..

Thanks for reading! Have a great day my friends.